wishful singularity

so often, i've wished -
there were only one way
& only one choice.

all these moments of standing up,
and standing down and turning back
are piling up
and boring holes inside my heart.

i've wondered after choosing -
'which way should i have gone?'
and if i'd done ten things different -
'would it still be all the same?'

i found forgiveness
but redemption evades.
atonement is fickle
& attainment is far.

& still i know -
this will never change.

stars

'i thought i could touch the stars
i lie awake at night
i wonder where you are

my face explodes
to drops into tears

and every second i'm not with you -
well it seems like years

i told you
that i loved you
that i'd kill you
yea.

i won't die
but i won't feel the same
i spend up all of my time
hoping to see you again

my face explodes
to drops into tears

and every second i'm not with you -
well it seems like years

i told you
and i warned you
that i loved you
yea.

my face explodes
to drops into tears

and every second i'm not with you -
well it seems like years

and i warned you
that i loved you
yea, i told you
yea.'

-the dandy warhols

solvent

perhaps -
we would always end up here
& always lose this fight.

perhaps -
you'd never hear what i said so plain,
& now will never hear any words at all.

we expired & we burned.
you made me bleed
so i sold you out.
there's no love in that.

this silence is all i can give you
when it's all that you ask.

perhaps -
what love we felt
was all the evidence due,
but i can feel you doubt
& i can feel the callous rights.

cost & affects

i could not watch these scenes
unfold in hyper motion -
things that i set forth, still -
things i could not dream.

consequence & circumstance
& a cost for a damnable act.
there are no debts that aren't collected;
running always runs out slow.

now tell me you can't see
how all your steps were leading lost.

regret vs. remorse

if you fell -
it's well you know
that no one did you wrong
enough to force your hand.

& if you fell a fool -
you must have been a fool
far well before
you knew.

everything may break
& everything may mend.
pride is all that stalls
attaining ground that gave.

& listen, listen well:
regret & remorse
are not so much alike -
but that some words parade
& tangle up the knowing that you need.

composed impressions

he existed more in words & echoes
though i'd held his hand
and walked beside his solid steps.

once i'd known his breath with mine -
i saw only those composed impressions
tangled by two minds.

he became more part of me
than any scar incurred by time.
he became my first thought
& my utter last.

he became a thing
i cannot cut away -
a part of me as much my own
as if his hands were mine.

craving

blood flows easy;
blood is free.
your blood is not redemption.

i know what i'm looking for
'cause i've been here before.
& i know how you crave it
just to make things still.

i know what you're looking for -
atonement can't be found.
& i know all the things you'd sell
for what you can't attain.

metered

i watched you watch me stumble.
you accepted our lies,
when you built these constraints.

i watched you turn away.

it was then when i saw:
i'd never been quite the same
as what first inspired.

we were only reflections of echoes -
sensations that faded & passed.

time brought us here
& never stands still.

your choices are metered
& debts ever collected.

we cannot walk back
& we must not stay.