intent

i stood up and stared down
the beast that had been crowding.

i meant to temper and meter
filters and fences brokered.

what came from what i meant
i may never know,
but you so badly want to tell me so.

Zimmerman

there's something about bob dylan talking in my ear and the quiet, persistent rain outside that makes the earth feel safe again. the big nothing that i've been trapped in is reigned back in and down toward the atmosphere and people that are lost don't seem so far away. i wish that i could find my answers blowing in the wind.

clutter

i ought to quit
& ought to change.
i ought to accept
some simple, plain facts.

why refrain without reason
& why fight without a cause?

i lost everything i could lose
so i'm thinking of unloading
the clutter in my head.

if i've got nothing to lose -
i must have nothing to gain.

that ought to make some kind of sense.

your woman

just tell me what you've got to say to me.
i've been waiting for so long to hear the truth.
it comes as no surprise at all you see -
so cut the crap and tell me that we're through.

now i know your heart; i know your mind.
you don't even know you're being unkind.
so much for all your high-brow, marxist ways.
just use me up and then you walk away.
boy, you can't play me that way.


well, i guess what you say is true -
i could never be the right kind of girl for you.


i could never be your woman (x4)


when i saw my best friend yesterday -
she said she never liked you from the start.
well me - i wish that i could claim the same,
but you always knew you held my heart.
and you're such a  charming, handsome man.
now, i think i finally understand.


is it in your genes - i don't know.
but i'll soon find out - that's for sure.
why did you play me this way?


well, i guess what you say is true -
i could never be the right kind of girl for you.


i could never be your woman (x4)

well, i guess what they say is true -
i could never spend my life with a man like you.


i could never be your woman (x4)

white town

surrender

i may be guilty
of what i condemn
& i may be wrong
about your motives & mine.

there's no judgement
i can pass upon us now.
i don't care to know
if you were wrong or you were right.

i only ever cared to know you.

thoughts that brought naught

this distance i thought
& maybe this time
would force a relenting.

this absence i thought -
would conjure acceptance
& dilute your passing.

i thought:
someone else as broken as me
could settle my own self-doubt.

i thought i could find some higher esteem
forged from another's smaller shadow.

i found that you linger
behind every moment i spend with another.

i found things too late.

shaped circumstance

before i twisted that blade in your spine;
before i lost that home in your heart;
before you finally walked away from me -
i knew.

reality finally bent to my mind's corruption
& all my doubts gave way to some chasm
where the good parts of us are lapsed.

we don't rest easy there
because from there -
i hear the mourning.

i fend off the ache
with spirits & smoke
& other familiar strangers.

mangled intentions

i couldn't know which way to walk
so i walked any way.
i fled my indecision & my ignorance
down dark-fraught, foreign roads.

i bled from untried depths
& drank poison from strangers.
i lost & i wept over mangled intentions.
i betrayed some love
so i could lease my blood.

i broke promises.
i broke principles.
i brokered my body & soul.
but i know:
i bent long before i broke.

once everything had lapsed -
everything came clear.
then all i knew was awe.

fresh blood: eels

sun down on the sorry day.
by the nightlights - the children pray.
i know you're probably getting ready for bed -
beautiful woman, get out of my head.

i'm so tired of the same old crud.
sweet baby, i need fresh blood.

whoo!

the moon shines on the autumn sky.
growing cold - the leaves all die.
i'm more alone than i've ever been.
help me out of the shape i'm in.

after the fires - before the flood.
my sweet baby - i need fresh blood.

whoo!

whatever trepidation you may feel -
in your heart - you know it's not real.
in a moment of clarity
some little act of charity.

you gotta pull me out of this mud.
sweet baby - i need fresh blood.

whoo!

original sin

my father's pet demons ate him whole one day.
when nothing left of him remained -
his demons fed on me.

i let them use me up;
i let them fold me up.
i forgot - when you give everything -
there's never something left.

a beautiful mind

i wish you knew your mind
so i could know it too.
for so long now -
i've suspected your mind is a beautiful thing,
but you won't ever tell.

i wish you knew my mind
so you could understand
how i could do what i have done
without compromising a heart's regard for you.

it's just this way
& not another.
don't you wish with me -
that we could all be what we meant?

owning up to a testament

foolish hope & jaded wonder
are tangling up
like a compromised intent.

all i can hear
is all loud & at once.
my focus is rent & undone.

there are these things that i have to say,
but imparting is some kind of art.
so often - it all knots up & collects
brand, newborn wounds.

it's a not-knowing;
it's the investment.
it's an attempt at spitting out a testament
i'm so frightened to own
when martyrs & scapegoats are so much alike.

something let

time won't heal your wounds.
in time, you just lose feeling.

time will cauterize
& wrest the bleeding -
but time - it will not mend.

even in this waiting place -
a cost is wrestled from your bones.
the more fiercly you hold on -
the less you'll notice gone.

one day far away -
you will reach for what was let.

a monster becomes you

a reflection has morphed
& become a monster.
even an exterior
is starting to bruise & change color
so there's no secret, no concealer.

i dipped my toes in the mud
& the festering spread.
i kept away,
but a monster became me.

i thought a monster fed on me,
but i was building him.

alotted grief

i conjured some knowledge
from a foolhardy, clouded heart.
from the cost of consequence
came a tired caution.

a love i could not cut away
grew distant with acceptance.
alotted grief does
some burn out.

eventually -
something like clarity
does always settle in.
& if you will choose -
this letting go
can stop tasting like woe.

wishful singularity

so often, i've wished -
there were only one way
& only one choice.

all these moments of standing up,
and standing down and turning back
are piling up
and boring holes inside my heart.

i've wondered after choosing -
'which way should i have gone?'
and if i'd done ten things different -
'would it still be all the same?'

i found forgiveness
but redemption evades.
atonement is fickle
& attainment is far.

& still i know -
this will never change.

stars

'i thought i could touch the stars
i lie awake at night
i wonder where you are

my face explodes
to drops into tears

and every second i'm not with you -
well it seems like years

i told you
that i loved you
that i'd kill you
yea.

i won't die
but i won't feel the same
i spend up all of my time
hoping to see you again

my face explodes
to drops into tears

and every second i'm not with you -
well it seems like years

i told you
and i warned you
that i loved you
yea.

my face explodes
to drops into tears

and every second i'm not with you -
well it seems like years

and i warned you
that i loved you
yea, i told you
yea.'

-the dandy warhols

solvent

perhaps -
we would always end up here
& always lose this fight.

perhaps -
you'd never hear what i said so plain,
& now will never hear any words at all.

we expired & we burned.
you made me bleed
so i sold you out.
there's no love in that.

this silence is all i can give you
when it's all that you ask.

perhaps -
what love we felt
was all the evidence due,
but i can feel you doubt
& i can feel the callous rights.

cost & affects

i could not watch these scenes
unfold in hyper motion -
things that i set forth, still -
things i could not dream.

consequence & circumstance
& a cost for a damnable act.
there are no debts that aren't collected;
running always runs out slow.

now tell me you can't see
how all your steps were leading lost.

regret vs. remorse

if you fell -
it's well you know
that no one did you wrong
enough to force your hand.

& if you fell a fool -
you must have been a fool
far well before
you knew.

everything may break
& everything may mend.
pride is all that stalls
attaining ground that gave.

& listen, listen well:
regret & remorse
are not so much alike -
but that some words parade
& tangle up the knowing that you need.

composed impressions

he existed more in words & echoes
though i'd held his hand
and walked beside his solid steps.

once i'd known his breath with mine -
i saw only those composed impressions
tangled by two minds.

he became more part of me
than any scar incurred by time.
he became my first thought
& my utter last.

he became a thing
i cannot cut away -
a part of me as much my own
as if his hands were mine.

craving

blood flows easy;
blood is free.
your blood is not redemption.

i know what i'm looking for
'cause i've been here before.
& i know how you crave it
just to make things still.

i know what you're looking for -
atonement can't be found.
& i know all the things you'd sell
for what you can't attain.

metered

i watched you watch me stumble.
you accepted our lies,
when you built these constraints.

i watched you turn away.

it was then when i saw:
i'd never been quite the same
as what first inspired.

we were only reflections of echoes -
sensations that faded & passed.

time brought us here
& never stands still.

your choices are metered
& debts ever collected.

we cannot walk back
& we must not stay.

meet me on my knees

these pieces scattered here
are staying, lying here.
& though i've grown so tired -
the circling never stops.

pouring, pouring -
can't say where it goes from here.

i want more & i want less
and i want things too much.

i want him & i want air
and i'm still watching where
i've been before like
praying with the porcelain whore.

would you meet me on my knees
if i let on that's where that i've wound up?

coals & egg-white shells

i've done this before;
it's all i've done.
i'm done.

i won't fight a losing war.
i've lost so many battles
begging deaf ears to hear.
what was it all for?

i let time pass just like the texperts say.
i let go of feeling wronged; i let go of everything.

smothered toes are roaring now
when all along i've been careening...
'round coals & pearly-motivated egg-white shells.

i'm done; i won't hear you out.
that dirtiest word you know
morphs us into what we aren't.

i learned it through & through
i bled for proof of purchase.
i can't forget the way it tastes
or how you'll never spit it out.

into a rise

living & breathing never were the same thing.
people close their eyes & don't breathe,
but sunsets still give into a rise.

i stopped breathing some time ago
& these fumes are fading i know.
momentum is push warring on
& i've learned life pushes without
steering or drive - the only thing that must ever go on.

grief broke intention
& left nothing for reason.
not bearing cost never meant we were "free."

full circles

none are are ever ready
for things that haven't been.

most of words are worn & stale-
like tomes & speeches swallowed whole.
these cost behemoth tells & tolls.

i can't prepare, i can't pretend
to leave some love behind...
when so all along i've fought for leavings & for crumbs.

i've crawled & reached
& clung to holding on,
but i might must just finally let go
& trust that full circles can come.

selling out

i settled.
i broke.
i gave myself up unto a thing
i cannot take back.

i sold out my skeletons-
years ago.
now, outside sits mud-crusted boots-
worn from earning a cheap, smattered corpse.

one thing isn't another;
i sold myself out
when i could have been whole.

something then was lapsed

take my heart & lead me lost.

break my heart & burn it out.

it isn't whole.

i told you:

"take it far from here."

leave the place where you've been gone-

from all your blunders - i've been bleeding.

take me; i can't stand the naught.

break me like you broke me then.

i can't take in the cost

of debts i can't pay off.

what it bought it wouldn't keep.

i can't hold your empty hands.

you didn't claim your prize

& after all that way, I fell-

you should have told me lies.

it's all i begged you then.

the words that spilled were much too loud.

something then was lapsed.

won't knuckles

choking on the words
trailing after air.
if i let them from my mind
used wounds might mend.

words warn on loss,
but immobility taints too.
words not said twist
just like words not meant.

this is closing in on a climax
of silence & scars.
time always wrestles some cost
from the hardest of white, won't knuckles.

maybe loss can be gain
if whispers get out.

waiting

staving off some sound
& waiting for the raving.
i get scared,
but i get found.

a kind of peace
is in the spare of borrowed nights.

feeling wears
for things we swore-
like holding on & letting go.

chase

you're following me.
i'm running from you.
what makes this a chase is the rise of my heart.

you don't stop.
i can't breathe.
you're gone in the dark.

i can't see
& you don't stop.
the end is so dark.

the tears that you toll-
i never can call.

fluid & stoke

control turned over-
into looser terms,
but we still feel alright
in the fluid & stoke.

some of life is over-
sold on steward terms.

we whispered for the wind
& lost the breath we spoke.
in circles we're whiling-
knotting & leasing our tongues.

breathing adrenaline

i'm breathing adrenaline
& cleansing heart ache.
i'm accepting old news
& abusing my terms.

i'm learning too much
& wearing a life.

the mazes are straight;
the guise is quite gone.

wait

waiting became a taint-
a strain that twisted knots
in things that started straight.

hearts burnt fierce
& bodies warm.

waiting didn't make us cold;
waiting made us bold.
waiting made us ravenous
& reaching broke the dam.

circumstance blurred lines
& passion tangled signs.

a wandering place

in my mind-
there's a wandering place.
i follow behind;
i long to go in.

i could be lost & still follow-
after that wandering place.
or i could be whole
& still long to see in.

could swear

i heard your ghost after you'd gone.

i saw an echo i swore wasn't mine.

now i'd say these things to you—

but who can speak into time?

 

the night was dead & still i felt—

or knew the heat of your breath.

though even as i knew—

you were naught.

& i could swear you were there.

i could swear,

but you're naught.

never must

make it sell; make it sound
make the fiddle play for a pound
the music will drown for a while
while you're running far & away from

say it loud
so you know
no man could not
but sway against the sound

they all saw & all did naught
what you can take is not what you must
may is not will & you never must

a fall is a fall

granite lies & slippery ties
here nor there; a fall is a fall

trust runs out
& luck burns out
hearts don't break—
they just burn cold

all you know expires
time builds better liars

milestones make cheap stepping stones
like a high — you'll need
another, another to take you higher
go get sober — fight your fire
pouring out; the flames get higher

no way out but letting go
that's the lie you know

have-naughts

i haven't ever lived & haven't ever been.

i haven't ever roamed alone or stood so sole.

i wasn't there & wasn't where

you or i could salvage race or reigns

i tore away the cords in my soul

& knew now how i'd fallen fool

to playing rot.

i stole more than not

so i could see the big machine.

you're disappointed; so am i.

i woke up from the roles we bought.

you thought; we thought

rabbit holes & red, blue knots

like tied-up, twisted naughts.

a truth came clean—
from out of cracks unseen.
some ways can't be tread ways-back
lest may emerge some wiser fool.

channelling yeats

the dying took you slow
& the world followed too

as you passed within the flood
all you built went with your blood

i watched the pallor take your face
i watched you watch your own death race

i knew then, though you'd gone —
mine was more the loss no other could console

i saw somewhere

the vagabonds are weary—
leave them, let them be
the demi-gods are dead—
like someday we shall be

all these paths are every way

we're all breathing in half-way
i saw somewhere far away
beneath your eyes was something gone away—
like the swallowed words you couldn't say

i'll fade from this flesh someday

the ground below is bending & bade—
like marionettes bound & born of decree

the waves & winds are waging some war

in the tumult, we'll fall to our knees
& this earth will swallow our pleas

eyes wide shut

i've looked inside their eyes & i could swear none do see
past the sale signs' petty pleas

a price for everything & everything for a price—
a man's an easy pawn to entice

i've looked inside their souls & i can't see at all
why love & lust must be such a bloody brawl
i can't stand apart & i can't see too
the monolith perils that stand in my view

i've looked on souls i cannot see
& listened for "please save me" pleas

a price for everyone & everyone for a price
man is not one or the other of virtue & vice

i look for more than i can see
i expect the worst of blood & brawl
i'm not as easy to please as i am to appease
& i would cut them down & make them small
sooner than gauge my inherent disease

rotting out in rhyme

a slippery fall away within
crafts a grin-gloved guise
i'm choking on nine wasted lives
& spent upon belate goodbyes

the light poured out
like siren-sounds of time
i'm gasping after air gone out
the left is rotting out in rhyme

i'll be bare before benign
she'll write the colors of my sin,
like tattoo scars, upon my skin—
a road map of the paths malign