wishful singularity

so often, i've wished -
there were only one way
& only one choice.

all these moments of standing up,
and standing down and turning back
are piling up
and boring holes inside my heart.

i've wondered after choosing -
'which way should i have gone?'
and if i'd done ten things different -
'would it still be all the same?'

i found forgiveness
but redemption evades.
atonement is fickle
& attainment is far.

& still i know -
this will never change.